I started titling this post "When The Devil Plays Whack-A-Mole" but thought a brighter title would be better. In my last post, I was vulnerable about my then-current state of discouragement. Many of you encouraged me greatly by interacting with me and affirming me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I write often about the need to live loved by God and how that is the foundation of our stability. Along with believing we are the beloved for our stability, it fuels our true, unselfish love for others. Even for those who don't like us much.

How do we love those who hate us? How do we consider it pure joy when we face trials? How do we rejoice that we are counted worthy to suffer for Jesus's name as the Apostles did?

Go Low

I'm afraid the answer to all of the above questions is "go low".

Or rather, God orchestrates our circumstances to enable us to go low . . .  because it's only the lowly that can give themselves fully to the One who went lowest to love us. It's not usually we who are bowing down low--it's not natural. It's the pressing and the crushing of the Winemaker, the whirling and cutting of the Potter, the pruning and cutting of the Vinedresser, and the fire and flame of the Refiner. It's God's hands upon His chosen ones that shape us into His image and impart His life to us as we yield ours.

I remember I am a grape cluster. I am a clay pot. I am a green vine. I am tarnished gold.

We like to think we would go low freely. We volunteer ourselves, but the work is His alone.

Galatians 2:20 is the verse that set me free from striving to please God (and others) in my own strength (and continues to serve me there). My own crucifixion set(s) me free from trying to love my enemies from something within me--and failing. The truth of it is that I am crucified with Christ (I'm dead) it is now Christ who lives in me. What a relief! This life that I live in this aging body, I live by faith in the One who loves me--He died to set me free from striving.

Did you know striving is opposite of faith? It is. We often think fear is, but fear is a feeling that steers us toward God or toward striving.

Striving is akin to sin. Striving is me being my own god. It's what landed me in the pit of anxiety and it's what I default to under pressure when The Winemaker is making new wine and triggers the pressing and crushing of the ripe grapes.

Anxiety alerts me I am not trusting the One who loves me. Anxiety alerts me that it's time to return to His rest.

The Devil Doesn't Stop Assaulting Us

We don't like to give too much credit to the devil, but he is a busy enemy. God counts on Satan's evil to train us in this life of war. It is a consolation for the suffering one to know that nothing is allowed into our lives without God's permission. Satan sought to prove Job half-hearted, and asked God's permission to try him. God granted it, not to prove Job unfaithful, but to prove to Job that his God is faithful and will show up and bring beauty from ashes.

I don't think God needs to prove anything to Satan.

God is our Keeper. He kept Job. He keeps His born again children. Remember Jesus's words to Peter: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (See Luke 22:31-32)

Jesus prays for us and God always gives Jesus what He asks for. There was purpose in Peter's sifting--to train him. Peter learned who he was not and how faithful Jesus was in His pursuit of Peter.

My (emotional) Life In The Past Six Months

Can you say "rollercoaster"?

I doubt I've ever had such a stretch of intensely hard and wonderful things in such a short time. If you know me or have followed me the past decade, you know we've moved a lot, our kids both moved a lot and they had a lotta babies. We lost a home that was my dream on a lake. We lost my dad in 2014 and we lost our grandson Theodore in 2015. Dale switched jobs numerous times from either stress, joining our son when he began self-employment, or other various reasons.

It. Was. A. Lot.

It was a lot and I've experienced some intense anxiety.

I won't bore you with all the details of this year--but losing a 53 y/0 sister on New Year's Day--I'm not sure why the day itself made it more shocking. Maybe because it is such a dark time of the calendar year and a supposed day of celebration.

Since then, my siblings and I and Mom gathered for the typical photo gathering. Along with my sister's family, we had a small visitation and a very quick funeral with the intention of doing a memorial on Memorial Day where more family could come in from out of state. The memorial was a wonderful reuniting and so very sad in gathering around our loss.

In February Dale and I went to Cuernavaca which was both wonderful and emotionally difficult for me in serving, speaking to the women with an interpreter, and being unable to communicate myself with the women, heart to heart.

After landing home, I hit the ground running in a new year of ministry in our church as we hosted several gatherings.

In my family of origin, after the shocking loss of our sister we have had many happy occasions. A wedding shower and a wedding, a baby shower and a new baby with tears of joy and sorrow (my sister, Janie's first grandson).

Both Dale and I have experienced health issues. Mine was a virus that seemed to last for a whole month off and on, weakening me. His is body pain from being a manly man--he deals with random pain in his feet, shoulders, knees, back. Fortunately not all at the same time. But, it is taxing and slowing him down and that hurts.

Within the experiences of the past six months, I have enjoyed sweet joy and I have endured deep emotional pain.

I have been tempted to feel defeated, discouraged, and downright neglected by God. But by now, I know Him, and in contrast to the awful time over 20 yers ago that became a hell hole, this time, I remembered the truth: He is with me and He loves me and if He is letting me go through intense trials, He has something for me in them.

Jesus Is The (Free) Wonderful Counselor And You Never Need An Appointment!

Every morning I meet with Him, pen in hand. I have had to have His help in understanding my own heart. I feel my feelings with Him. It's a consolation that He feels with me. Truth emerges on the page in our meetings.

One day, I felt on the verge of panic while traveling on the freeway. In the past, that is where panic manifested most--due to my hyper sensitivity to motion and people's expectations and emotions. When it happens, I strongly feel the need to pull off the highway and just breathe. It's a flight response to rogue thoughts. Knowing this, as I finished my shopping and got in the Jeep to head for home, I began to speak Psalm 23 over my life with boldness. As I drove and let the Holy Spirit minister the truth of it to my heart, the panic subsided and I got victory. The weapons of our warfare are indeed mighty. (See 2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

Thankful I'd memorized Psalm 23 thirty five years ago, I got to experience the power of the living Word of God in my Jeep. The truth really does set us free.

Every time I've headed out to an event when I felt like I'd rather stay home hiding under the covers--if I have felt the fear rise up, I go despite (to spite!) my feelings in the strength of the One who lives in me. I know He is training me to depend more on Him and less on me. When I am weak, then I am strong. His power is perfected in my weakness. (See 2 Corinthians 12:10)

As I look back over the past six months, what I see is not defeat. I see victory.

Though the devil tries to whack me down with sickness, panic, doubt, fear, loss, rejection, or doom, I will arise again because of the One Winemaker, Potter, Vinedresser, Refiner who never takes His hand off of me. And I will count it all joy.