And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.

Genesis 32:24-25

“The degree of blessing enjoyed by any man will correspond exactly with the completeness of God's victory over him.”  

 “God conquered Jacob by weakening him.”

Warren Wiersbe (Be Authentic)

Unreasonable fears marked my childhood. If I were to name them, the primary two would be “Fear of Rejection” and “Fear of Authority” – I especially feared making my dad angry.

It seemed that rejection was a continual part of my life. I just dealt with its daggers as they pierced, often telling people what I thought — in my mind — but never, ever with my lips.

Somehow, my method of inner self-justification pacified the often-felt sting to my heart. But, it left me with a lot of baggage as an adult.

I enjoyed a reprieve from painful feelings of rejection by my peers during the school day after stepping off of the bus. Although I was accepted and loved at home, even there, I spent much effort on avoiding disappointing my dad.

Part of my fear stemmed from watching him get angry with others. Like so many people, in impatient moments, he’d utter words of disapproval. When he would rebuke my little sister, my heart hurt. My empathy caused me to wince as if I were the one being rebuked. I was hypersensitive.

Dad often told his friends, “I never have to spank Bean; she’ll start to cry if I even look like I might.”

Though you can sense his fondness for me by the use of the nickname, and I knew he loved me beyond a shadow of a doubt, I still feared his disapproval.

Over the years, I learned to “read” my dad in order to please him. I liked to feel his favor. Don’t tell my siblings, but I might have even believed I was his favorite. Seeking that position caused me to give up many things as a child. I’d prefer to work for my dad, because it made him happy. When Dad was happy, I was happy.

However, being so involved in working for my dad kept me from having a life outside of my occupation as a ‘farmer’s daughter’. This only fueled the feelings of rejection I endured while I was at school. I sought to improve myself in order to figure out how to be loved and accepted. I often studied the popular girls to try to figure out their secret.

I learned the art of self-preservation. As firstborn, “Be Responsible” was the sign most often marking my path. 

When I began my relationship with Jesus, I understood His grace, but I still struggled with condemnation when I’d sin. About ten years in, during a very stressful season, I felt rejected by Him. Rather than trusting in His love, I began to strive to please Him just as I had in my childhood with my earthly father.



Because I was trying to please God in my own strength, I landed in a pit of anxiety and depression. As the word “pit” suggests, it was a scary, dark place. And I wasn’t the only one who was afraid of it. The closest people in my life were scared too. They understandably wanted me to just get over what I was going through. But the pressure I felt to get better actually made things worse.

It was as if shame and condemnation had a noose around my neck. I was overtaken by my greatest fears; I felt rejected and alone; I could barely breathe.

It took several years of relentlessly pursuing God for my healing. Eventually, I found rest and joy in Jesus’ love.

Through renewing my mind in His word, having a mentor pray with me weekly, and holding on for dear life to God’s promises, I was lifted out of the pit.

Looking back, it’s as if the Lord gave me over to what I was prone to rely on (myself) in order for me to experience His unconditional love and power. Only He could deliver me from the lies that strangled me.



Just as we will read in the story of Jacob’s life, God knew exactly what I needed to overcome what bound me. 

Several years later, I was walking with a friend as she sought Jesus to deliver her out of her own pit. One day after meeting with her, I got in my car and with astonishment, tears of thanksgiving spilled over as I told the Lord, “Thank you that I went through that!”

Because I knew my experience had enabled me to effectively minister to her as she gained victory over the darkness.

To read about Jacob’s story and dig in deeper to God’s ways of shaping YOU, grab a copy of Divine Conversations on Amazon or purchase it right here on my shop tab!