Would I be free of the idol of human opinion that wars against my peace so powerfully, I must know that I am the BELOVED of the Lord and all my blessings are simply God's grace. 

To err is human they say, and to forgive divine. I’ve got a lotta human . . . and that acknowledged, thankfully, I've got a lotta divine friends and family in my life. :)

It seems the word God gave me for 2022, “deny” was given for a series of deaths to myself. I was thinking it was so, and I didn’t really want the word. (You wouldn’t either, I know!) But I also know that whatever God gives is good, and who can change His plans? 

Fasting

I did do a couple of fasts this year, but I still struggle to give my food up for a day or three. (Or even a meal or three!) 

It was a year of waiting for God to move mountains. It was a year of watching Him “perfect that which concerns me.” (See Psalm 138:8 KJV) He answered prayers I hadn’t specifically prayed—in surprising ways. (This was a wonderful watching!) 

And it was a year of many mistakes which brought the familiar feelings of inferiority along with the desire to flee—which I resisted with the help of His grace—while fighting back feelings of shame for my humanity which I know I cannot help and is simply a prideful reality:

Expecting more of myself than I am created and fashioned to be means I am not trusting God but putting the burden of me on me. It’s painfully heavy, and I’m not talking about my body weight. Though I could stand to lose a few. 

Performance Anxiety?

And people who might be disappointed in my inferior performance? They would also be expecting more from me than God. 

To the credit of the people in my life, I did not receive such high expectations, though I do not escape fearing them. Expectations of perfection, I mean. I just note that they are usually in my imagination save for a few. 

Taking on a half-day a week barista job was quite the stretch for my 57 year old self. I hadn’t considered that as an empty-nester for a decade or so, my brain had … er, slowed. It took me a good bit to become familiar with the cash register and the crafting of all different kinds of drinks. I was down for the coffee, but refreshers? And smoothies? And Lotus drinks? Oh, my! 

Then they added breakfast paninis . . . And then lunch! Needless to say, I’m grateful for gradual change. And the GOOD God gave was in the forced exercising of my slow brain. I’ve become so much more familiar with everything and I enjoy being a barista very much! I even kind of enjoy the challenges of having an order of five different drinks on one ticket! 

Back to my blunders: 

There was the one time when I accidentally used a medium sized cup for a large iced drink. When the woman, sitting across the room blurted out, “Is this a 20 oz cup?” I affirmed my service by explaining to her that sometimes the cups are deceiving. 

She stepped into the shop an hour later, and with an authoritative voice, stated, “You try fitting 20 oz in this cup!” 

When I took it back to the iced drink prep area, I realized I had actually mixed her drink in a medium cup. (Die, die, die) I told her I’d make her a new one, but she declined with a huff, and told me she just wanted her money back from the difference. When I looked it up, I owed her a quarter which came out of my tip bucket.

There have been spills . . . and forgetting what’s what and whose is whose and did they order whip? And there was the day I served a panini cold in the center. (I knew that woman too, who was very gracious!)

On the day I spilled the smoothie (yes, that was fun!) when I handed a re-made smoothie through the drive through window, I told the woman that every time I make a mistake, I learn what not to do. She affirmed me in my thinking and I smiled the rest of the day. I saw His goodness again. 

My latest blunder happened two days ago. The owner (praise God it was her and not a customer!) texted me her order for a Log Cabin Latte. This is a Christmas special drink with two shots of espresso, maple syrup and a pump of cinnamon. A bit after she drove off to the Christmas party, she texted me. “Which drink did you make?” After a bit of back-and-forth texting, I realized I’d pumped apple cider mix into her cup rather than maple syrup. (If you could see my face right now, I’m recoiling—still!) 

My friends who own the coffee shop are very forgiving. But even so, I felt like fleeing my Tuesday morning job a time or three in the course of the last four months.

I can tell you, I will never put apple cider mix in for maple syrup again! And if I mess up your drink, I will be happy to buy you a new one . . . By grace. 

I guess the main lesson from the year is learning to embrace being human, learning to keep going when I want to flee, and learning that no matter my performance, I am God’s project . . . Not my own.

So, if someone has a problem with me, they can (and should) approach me with grace and I pray I will respond humbly. Or if I'm too scary, you can go to God on my behalf and pray this: “Fix her!” 

Because I trust His goodness in the midst of all my badness. Because I know by now that with Him, all is grace. And it is good to learn to be humble and it is good to embrace being human. And it is good to have a love-covering where the criticism cannot settle in for harm and belittling. Because I am loved, I am free.

Thank you very much!